I think Zsa Zsa Gabor summed up everything I feel about my experience of heterosexual marriage in a few small words. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have gotten married to start with, and I certainly shouldn’t have stayed in it for 5 years. My story isn’t new, or unique in any way. Thousands, millions of women have stood in the same murky pond of subservience that I did. Some got out, some didn’t, some are only just realising they are there. But when you’re there, there can be no lonelier place to be.
I had never really thought about marriage, I didn’t believe in the institution of it but I did buy into the romance. Like many girls, I was taught only the romanticised, fairy tale idea of a wedding and the ensuing happy ever after. What I wasn’t told though, is that ‘happy ever after’ is an idealised pile of crap and those who blindly chase it, do so to their own detriment. (There you go, that’s probably the bitter cynic in me!)
Life isn’t about living happily ever after for a lifetime. The trials we face help to shape us as human beings; they help us develop. I recall quietly judging a friend who had gone through a divorce and became what I can only describe as slightly bitter. Having experienced my own separation and divorce, I see the error in my smugness and, as a result, I’m less likely to judge someone for their response to their failed marriage. Some days, I have to remind myself to keep my own bitterness in check.
I’m actually incredibly privileged. Until the passing of the 1857 Matrimonial Causes Act, women like me were unable to petition for a divorce. Divorce was only accessible to the rich and women were, almost always, unfairly discriminated against by a system run by men that favoured the husband, right or wrong. Even following the passing of the act, women were required to provide evidence that her husband had treated her with cruelty, deserted her or was guilty of incest or bigamy (it is important to note that women were also required to provide evidence of adultery to apply for a divorce ( Source).
Fast forward to 2019, and ending a marriage is easier than ever. My own took a grand total of 16 weeks from the filling in the form through to receiving the Decree Nisi. Petitioning for divorce still requires a reason or reasons for the irrevocable breakdown of the marriage and continues to apportion blame to one party or the other. However, the reason for the irrevocable breakdown of the marriage can be as minor as a lack of common interests. (My own grounds for divorce were the gambling of large amounts of money and the lack of emotional support within the marriage). The school of thought is that if a spouse feels so strongly to petition for a divorce then there is little point trying to repair the marriage (although I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I entirely agree with this view of it either).
In 2018, there were 90,000 divorces in England and Wales compared with 101,000 in 2017. This was the lowest number of divorces since 1971 (Source: ONS). Despite divorce becoming easier, there seems to be a distinct trend towards fewer divorces which may, in part, be related to there being fewer marriages. According to the Office of National Statistics, the trend in the number of marriages continues to decline.
Moving on after the divorce, however, is interesting. Less than a quarter of the 236,000 marriages in 2017 were remarriages. Are divorcees sometimes choosing not to remarry?
I have no intention of marrying for a second time, but I don’t really believe in the institution of modern-day marriage either. It’s one thing to want to share your life with someone but a completely different thing to become legally attached to that person.
Do you really need a piece of paper to tell you how much you love your partner?
Originally published at https://theproletarianspeaks.blogspot.com on July 14, 2020.
